aurora_crimson

PUTTIN' UP WALLS

2006-11-10T16:11:24Z

"Sometimes people put up walls not to keep others out...but to see who cares enough to tear them down." Megan left this comment on my page. For me never getting to talk to this girl she sure knows how to pick things that hits close to home. I do that. I have put up walls before, kept my emotions from others. Most of the time it's a cry for someone to show they care about me, or to keep me from getting hurt. One of my closest friends told me not to close myself off from him. But many times he is so busy. He use to keep in touch with me a lot more. I kind of miss that. But instead of just staying open to him, I have started backing away. I guess part of me wants him to tear the walls I put up down. And then another part of me doesn't want to fall for someone who doesn't feel the same way. I know my feelings and I would definitely. But then I guess people can't really read my mind. How would anyone really know that me keeping to myself is for people to want to be my friend, or be with me? I guess my stupidity sends the wrong message. No matter what happens I wouldn't give up my friendship with Johnathan for anything in the world. I wouldn't want to lose any of my friends for that matter. But then how come when I say or write things I feel as though no one is listening?

The Impossible

2006-11-01T14:35:08Z

I never understood the complexcities of my best friend's relationship to her boyfriend. That was back when I loved her so much and was so jealous of him. They weren't dating back then...they had broken up...but they had a unique relationship not labeled by any specific term. And now being in a relationship where there is no specific term for what me and Johnathan are to one another, I think I understand how hard it can be to put one specific label on things.
This relationship with Johnathan is the most comlex friendship I have ever encountered. I guess with most other people I have been around our relationship had more of a clear cut defintion. With Johnathan so many labels of what we are to each other overlap and the edges of the labels are so fuzzy. Now I understand why Shinigami was always so hesitant to put a label on what her and David were to one another at on point. Sometimes it is very hard to create a clear cut definition of things. Every person and every relationship with every person is unique in it's own way. Johnathan keeps stating to everyone that he doesn't want a girlfriend. Yet he tends to become deeply emotionally and sexually involved with women. He is very intimate with them. Yet I guess I understand how hard it would be to put himself into a full relationship right now. With him commitment is more than "this person is the only one I am sleeping with". Commitment to him seems to mean a lot of responsibility and sacrifice.
Sometimes it frustrates me how he wants to be so intimately involved with me and yet his label for us is just friends. The only friend I have ever gotten so involved and indepth with was Shinigami...and that is a friendship made of a deep love...a love that was at one point an "in-love". So for me to be so intimately attached to someone I must have feelings for them...beyond a simple friendship...or even best-friendship. And as I open up to Johnathan I begin to feel deeper and deeper things for him. So what happens if I open up so much I fall in love?? Is it truly safe for me to become so close to someone that looks at such a deepness as still just a friendship?? I try to take one step at a time...but it seems that sometimes he is asking the impossible of me.

My bestest guy friend

2006-10-25T04:16:23Z

My dilemma is this…I think part of me is beginning to fall for Johnathan. I spend most of my time confused about him. Part of me would like to be in love with him…if he could return the feeling. That part of me would like to date him. But the majority of me right now…basically my mind keeps insisting that I am not ready for a relationship…even if he was to return the feelings. Lots of times I wonder if he treats all girls like he does me. I know he is more caring than most friends. He is more huggy and touchy than most men. He seems to be comfortable with showing affection to his female friends. That’s cool…I wish I was more like that. Sometimes when I am hanging out with him with other people I don’t know how to react towards him. My body wants to touch him more than I feel I should. His sister already asked me why I don’t ask him out. I told her he doesn’t want a girlfriend. That statement seems to baffle even his closest friends. They see how we react towards each other. Sometimes I feel when we are out with his friends his inclination to want to be closer to me. But like the other night when we were at Crystal’s he was playing around with me and I had to squash the urge to kiss him. I told him about it later…but he didn’t comment. Sometimes I feel like he is confused by the whole situation. Sometimes I feel like there is a deeper bond between us. I am one of his closer friends. But lately I feel like he is pulling away from me. I can only speculate about what goes through his mind…he keeps a lot to himself. Maybe he is getting bored with me, or feels the strain of getting too deeply involved. Or maybe he is confused or scared. I feel like he is closing himself off to me. But I do care about him…I have always cared about Johnathan. I used to hate watching his ex’s effects on him. They were times when he was broke and didn’t have money. I remember giving him change or letting him borrow some. Then there were the times they were late picking him up in his own car…or days he didn’t have a ride. Those things made me angry then…and looking back they make me even angrier now…since I am closer to him. Johnathan deserves someone that treats him better than that girl did. There are plenty of us out here that would treat him better. Sometimes when he starts to fall asleep I look at his face and all I want to do is hold him and protect him. But I guess right now both of us feel we are broken. My health and depression keeps me from wanting to give myself to someone so fully. If I could be whole and better I would love to be with someone. But this year has left me feeling so weak and broken. I think at least my friendship with Johnathan was inevitable. We both have went through a not so healthy relationship. We both work hard and go to school. We both feel broken. I guess whatever happens being friends may help each of us heal some. And it gives us someone to hang with when everyone else has already coupled off. What kind of scares me is if this depression wears off how I will feel about things?? Will I end up being in love…and getting hurt? Right now my depression is my shield. It keeps me confused and kind of numb to my feelings. I have no idea right now what my future holds…especially with Johnathan. But I do know I want to be his friend…always.

Another Myspace Blog-Hypocrites,Racists, and Homophobes

2006-10-12T14:08:20Z

Monday, October 09, 2006

Hypocrites, Racists, and Homophobes

Warning: Please excuse the profanity. Used to display how angry I really am. I don't usually talk like this. Thank you.

Hypocrites, Racists, and homophobes.Three types of people that piss me off. I try to get along with everybody...I really do. But when you aren't openmineded enough to accept everybody is different...and yet equal...you need to just piss off. I hate people who go to church and preach christianity and love and acceptance...and then judge other people without knowing them. I hate racists who seem to think it's disgusting or wrong to have interracial couples. Or to just have sex with another race...people are people. There are trashy people and cool people in all races. So what if I like black guys...well screw you...cause the black guy I am interested in is better than a lot of sorry ass white guys. And homophobes...do you really think just because someone is gay or a lesbian they want to hit on you?Chances are if you are such an asshole to think that, you wouldn't be worth their time anyway. You risk getting hit on by the opposite sex everyday...you aren't so scared of the unattractive people. So what if some hot gay guy hits on you? You should take that as a compliment. People are people. Love is love. Sex is sex. No matter what gender or race you find either with. So I hung out with a same sex couple this weekend. They were cool...and the whole group had fun. We weren't thinking anything about their gender...they were just another couple...just like any other. And sometimes you gotta watch your comments...you never know who you are talking to. Making really racist or homophobic comments make an impression. Narrowminded bastards make less friends.

Fucking Kills Me

2006-08-01T23:37:02Z

For the past two days John and I have fought…and now I don’t know who to turn to…but all that comes later. Yesterday he showed up to get his papers and stuff from my house. And the arguing started when he sat down on my bed and stole my phone. I didn’t figure out he took it until he pulled off. So we argued on the phone, he threw my phone out the care after he saw my incoming and outgoing texts and calls and erased Brittany’s, Dustin’s, and Michael’s phone numbers. So we argued when he came back and I made him bring my phone back. Then he starting fucking with my car saying I used him to put the parts on. The end result of yesterday was me getting my phone back and being stupid crying on his shoulder telling him how I felt about Dustin and how scared I was if he found out about my past. And John swore not to say anything…then today he threatens me saying he sent Dustin and email…And while I am not worried about that…if Dustin is a true friend we’ll remain friends regardless…the shit has come in.
So this morning I thought everything was a-okay, but he showed up this morning fucking with my car, taking the parts off. We began arguing again and I accused him of being a liar, and keeping things from me…so then he claims to have done something with someone and acts scared to tell me about it. So I started naming names and he starts tightening the parts on my car. I continued badgering him….saying he promised the person he would never say anything…it would hurt me…..People have told me in the past to not trust John…but there was so much emotion in this encounter. I think he was close to tears and that’s when he told me who he cheated on me with…And it is fucking believable….seeing as the fucking whore always told me that all guys cheat. And warned me against John. He claims he fucked my best friend…my fucking best friend…the bitch that claimed me and her ex and her little boy were her world. The girl who claimed she was in love with me. He says it happened after he told her about me cheating on him…but they used a condom. How fucked up is that? All the times I thought something was going on between them and it may have been right. Cause she didn’t turn against him until she started falling for me and finding out how he treated me. And if I never believed John before it is hard to not believe him now. If she’ll fuck Billy and not tell me, then she might as well have fucked him
So he come back later fucking with my car while we were leaving. He threatened my computer by phone. The he tried to get in my house so I let him in. He kept asking for my phone wanting it back and Dan kept telling him he’ll get it back Friday when I get my money for my minutes. The idiot didn’t listen and Dan kept telling him to leave. He wouldn’t. So he struggled with me while Dan was calling the cops and got the phone…So Dan jumped on him. And they fought out in the front yard…me clawing his neck. In the end he got the phone…I told Dan it wasn’t worth it…And when the cops came they told me to call if he came back.
And my own family has been talking to the fucker…they seem to want me with someone who is abusive. And then you find out the ones who were supposed to love you were your biggest enemies. So whatever David does to the bitch she deserves. Thank you for being my friend……..lol.